I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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