I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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