Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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