dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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