my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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