My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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