my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
