I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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