I met the friendliest cop last night
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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