yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
