whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
