Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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