i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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