Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
