awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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