so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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