Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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