Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
