hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
