My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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