that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize