what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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