I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
