if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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