some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
