Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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