the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I intend to get homeless drunk
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
