I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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