You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
