Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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