We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
