I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
