Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
