If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
