There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
