A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
