I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
