It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
