I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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