First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
