You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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