Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
