Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
