Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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