My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
