my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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