K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
