Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
