You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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