Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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