I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
