Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am naked and annoyed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
