New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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