If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
