Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
