ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
