i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
