Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
