i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
