Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
