a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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